Here i will share my journey of hopefully one day recognising my dream of becoming published writing what i love to read; Romance!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Show not Tell - Final Crusader Challenge

Show Not Tell Crusader Challenge: In 300 words or less, write a passage (it can be an excerpt from your WIP, flash fiction, a poem, or any other writing) that shows (rather than tells) the following:

  • you're scared and hungry
  • it's dusk
  • you think someone is following you
  • and just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: shimmer, saccadic, substance, and salt.
Click the link above to read other entries!



Stumbling like a drunk against the cold stone walls, tripping over things without substance, I fought to  control myself.
She was coming. Had to keep moving, the light shimmered ahead in the doorway like a beacon from Heaven. Heaven before me, hell behind.
The fear clutched at me, tightening my lungs, constricting my heart. Hardly any breath, unsteady legs, stinging salt of tears and sweat trickling into my mouth. Not good enough. The energy was sapping rapidly now, my stomach a gnawing knot of emptiness.
The dimming light, warmth from the sun dying, proof the third day was ending.
Keep going, must keep going.
Resting against the freezing stone wall for a nanosecond, my eyes doing a saccadic dance between the beacon of salvation and the echoing footsteps in the dark. The damp seeps into my pores, fills my nostrils with the stench of my own fear. Not like this, please. I don't want to die.
The echoing steps come closer, a rapid staccato on the concrete ground.
With a strangled cry my legs move of their own accord, pulled by the invisible cord of instinct to safety. Nearly there. If only my legs weren't so wobbly. Damn it, run!

200 words! What do you think?

11 comments:

  1. The blog is very good!
    Congratulations!
    http://nelsonsouzza.blogspot.com

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  2. What a powerful piece. I enjoyed it very much.

    My work is linked below.

    lisa
    Inspired by Lisa

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  3. Ooh, very "in the moment"!

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  4. That was good, thanks for sharing it.

    I'm starting up a 'Critiquing Crusaders' program, where participants in the Second Crusade can find other writers to exchange critiques with or form critiquing circles. If you're interested, come by The Kelworth Files to check it out!

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  5. "...my eyes doing a saccadic dance between the beacon of salvation and the echoing footsteps in the dark." I love it!

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  6. Whoa, your poor MC!! I don't want her to die either! Nicely done, nicely done. :-)

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  7. Powerful! Is the MC going to make it? Inquiring minds want to know. ; )

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  8. Heaven before me, hell behind. - How poetic is that! I wished there would be more! :-)

    And isn't it fantastic, how different everyone's dealing with the same specifications?!?!

    Karin @ Nofretiris Dream Of Writing

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  9. I'd love to know who "she" was and why your MC was running :) Great job!

    Hugs,

    Rach

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  10. well i don't know who "she" is or why my MC was running! That was the beauty of it, it just came out!! Maybe i'll continue it someday to find out :)
    Loved all your entries too, well done for putting it out there in the blogosphere!!

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  11. I like that Alice in Chains echo [g] I hope he makes it! And that mysterious third day reference is interesting; I'd like to see more of this world.

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