Here i will share my journey of hopefully one day recognising my dream of becoming published writing what i love to read; Romance!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Show not Tell : Campaign Challenge

Third Challenge for the Campaign. (i think i missed the second one!)
Check out the full details here

Write a blog post in 300 words or less, excluding the title. The post can be in any format, whether flash fiction, non-fiction, humorous blog musings, poem, etc. The blog post shouldshow:
  • that it’s morning, 
  • that a man or a woman (or both) is at the beach
  • that the MC (main character) is bored
  • that something stinks behind where he/she is sitting
  • that something surprising happens.
Just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses. AND include these random words: "synbatec," "wastopaneer," and "tacise."   (NB. these words are completely made up and are not intended to have any meaning other than the one you give them). .

Here's my stab at it!

Through amber tinted sunglasses, Jodie watched the determined surfers tackling the rowdy waves. Stupid wastopaneers. The rising sun seeped into her skin making her all droopy and blah. Wasn’t supposed to be so hot this early. 

Shifting uncomfortably to a shady spot on the hot sand she blew out a breath, ignoring the synbatec buzzing close by. Not even the slight breeze could dispel the feeling that she could be doing something so much better than soaking in the sun, being bitten by the tiny, hungry bloodsuckers hidden in the sand. Anything. 

Why did I come here? Hate the beach. Can’t swim so no point in taking a dip. Can’t be bothered doing anything else.

Inhaling the salty air and ending on a sigh, the sharp tang of something tacise hit her nostrils. Geez, what died?

Wind rustled through the tall palm leaves above, dappling the sand around her, ruffling her limp, damp hair. Worse. It propelled the stink from behind the tree right into her face.

Bleark! Covering her mouth and nose with a sweaty palm she lifted her sunnies and peered through the leaves. Breathing through her teeth and willing the lumpy, salty taste at the back of her throat away, her toes searched the hot sand for her jandals. 

The shiver caught her unaware, her skin pebbling painfully.  Bending low and lifting the surprisingly cool leaves with one hand, she toed the brown clump. Hissing, the hairy flesh shifted as the flies covered the hole her toe created. 

Jodie jumped back retching, all thought of breathing carefully gone.

Stomach pitching wildly she turned away focusing on the crashing waves and the unaware surfers.

How the hell am I going to tell Michelle?

word count: 282
Did i show? Tell me where i've told and let me know where i need work!


  1. Very nicely written, you made me want to know more! ; )

  2. Ooo, would definitely like to know more. Rowdy waves is such a great visual.

    Great job!

  3. Yes, I want to read more of the story!! Nice entry for the challenge! Nice to meet you!

    (I'm entry #5)

  4. @K.T i was trying to give a visual as well as a sound with rowdy waves! Hope it worked

  5. Great job. I could feel her boredom, but I had to re-read the ending. It was a great story though.

  6. I just love the phrase "droopy and blah". Great work!

    Mine is #25.

  7. Good tension, and good use of the challenge words. I thought you did a great job of showing, not telling.

    I'm number 35, if you want to check it out.

  8. Yuck! Your describtions are awesomely effective! Once again, great job! :)

  9. Kerrin, I appreciate that you asked for constructive criticism here, I was wondering, as a new blogger, if it was the form here as I haven't seen too much critiquing going on. Having said that, I thought your exposition here was very well applied; a good blend of showing and suggestion with just the right amount of telling. Very good job indeed and thanks for having found mine.

  10. Bad news for Michelle. Nicely done. Mine is #56

  11. I love your descriptions :) I want to know what happens next!

  12. I agree, great descriptions! I want to read more! Great job :D

    I'm entry #69 :)

  13. Great visuals! Nice job :)

  14. Great use of the senses. Love the phrase "droopy and blah" - it adds to the mood.
    (My entry at no.#47)

  15. Oooh, creepy. What is the dead thing? I definitely felt her boredom. Great job! I'm #65.

  16. nice job. you've got me wanting to know more.

  17. That was intense. I wonder what happens next. You have my vote.

  18. Very descriptive and intense. Nice job.